No two individuals’ experience is the same when their marriage ends. Like the human experience, people’s growth after a divorce can vary in time and circumstance. But if you’ve never gone through a divorce, it’s likely you have little idea what to expect after or, conversely, you’ve heard a lot and, as a result, your mind has been running away with itself about what life will be like, not all of it good.
Though you might feel apprehensive, not everything you’re imagining, good and bad, will come to fruition. While it’s perfectly normal to fear the unknown, since divorce is so prevalent, you don’t have to; there are a few constants you can count on, constants that can propel you forward if you leverage them so that they work for you, not against you. With this in mind, here’s what really happens when a marriage ends, the truth no one talks about. And yes, it can be quite positive.
You will have to start over in many areas.
Starting over can be scary, especially if you’re facing empty walls and empty rooms in need of art and furniture. It’s no secret that divorce impacts bank accounts, where people live, what they drive, and a whole slew of other comforts you, too, may have once enjoyed. But instead of focusing on what’s missing, like the Christmas dishes or wine collection your wife got in the settlement, think about what you’re gaining.
This is your chance to decorate your new home the way you want — without your mother-in-law’s ugly Tiffany lamp gracing your living room or your wife’s throw pillows all over the bed. Not to mention, you never liked Merlot very much, and now you never have to drink it. As for those Christmas dishes? Here’s your chance to buy new ones on which to make new memories.
So much about how you fare in a divorce is about mindset. Because of that, the more you look at starting over as an opportunity instead of a chore or something that’s been thrust upon you, the better you’ll feel and, accordingly, the better you’ll do with the challenges you face.
You will have to learn new skills.
When you’re part of a couple, it’s common to have a division of labor, even if that division isn’t always equal. Someone in the marriage is usually more capable in certain areas, such as cooking the meals, cleaning, taking care of the household finances, earning an income, caring for the kids, caring for pets, and making repairs, to name a few.
Well, if you weren’t the cook in the house, and now you’re living independently, it’s likely you’re going to have to learn how to do more than boil water. That is unless you want to eat out or order in every meal, which is expensive and unhealthy.
The same goes for balancing your budget and taking your kids on outings solo. If you’ve never done these things before, divorce will become your occasion to learn. This is a good thing.
Not only will learning skills enhance your life, it will fuel feelings of independence and success. You can do this as long as you set your mind to it. Once you do, that omelet you make will likely become one of the best you’ve ever tasted, and that day you spent at the park with your kids and the dog will probably feel like the most fun you’ve had in a while.
You will overcome the challenges you face.
Every day will inevitably bring a new challenge, some large, but most of them small. Both will be frustrating and may cause you to feel dejected at times.
The good thing about challenges is that, with effort, you can overcome most of them on your own. And when you do, you will realize that there is little you can’t handle when you plan and exhibit patience.
You won’t be able to build a new life overnight, but you will be able to begin building it on day one if you want to. Baby steps are still steps, some of which may require the help of others, something you should never be afraid to ask for. Speaking of which …
You will welcome new people into your life.
Invariably, you will meet people you don’t know as a result of your divorce. This is a good thing. New people bring new perspectives, guidance, and, yes, sometimes controversy. This last one is also a plus.
The last thing you want is to become stagnant, physically and mentally. You want people around you who will support you but also challenge you to push yourself. To question yourself. To make you a better version of who you were before your divorce.
Some people, including your spouse, but also friends, family members, and romantic partners, are meant to be in your life for a season, and that’s OK. Treasure them for the lessons they have brought you.
You will make a life for yourself.
Whether you embrace change or fight it, you will make a new life for yourself. Time moves forward, and if you weren’t the one who chose to get divorced, there will be little, if anything, you can do to change that outcome.
Understanding what’s in front of you, as described above, and not only accepting it but giving these milestones your all will make for a much more positive post-divorce life. Even better, many of the people who supported you during your divorce, including your family law attorney, can continue to guide you afterward.
Speak with an attorney about how to create the life you envision post-divorce.
Family law attorneys don’t just deal in divorce; they deal in families. Since families come in many shapes and sizes and have changing needs, you want a family law attorney who can address post-divorce issues, such as modifications, premarital agreements, estate planning, and more.
