Raising teens can test the limits of even the calmest, coolest, and most collected parents. For those who are divorced, it can prove even more challenging, especially for dads. According to a study led by researcher Dr. Alan Booth at Penn State University, divorce tends to negatively affect relationships between teens and fathers more so than for mothers.
Research showed that despite fathers taking a more prominent role in child-rearing in recent decades, mothers are still responsible for most of the childcare. The arrangement leaves divorced fathers with the burden of keeping their parent-teen bonds strong, especially after a divorce when they might not see their child as much as they once did.
Though frustrating, maintaining and further cultivating a strong relationship with teens is not a hurdle divorced fathers cannot overcome. They can. Using specific strategies, divorced dads can forge a relationship with their teens that can take them straight through those often trying years into adulthood. With this in mind, if you are a divorced or divorcing father, here are nine tips to get you started on improving your relationship with your teens.
1. Spend quality time with your teens.
As teenagers grow into adults, their schedules become busier, with more homework, extracurricular activities, college prep, and possibly a part-time job. As teens search for ways to assert their independence, much of their leftover time and energy often involve spending time with friends or by themselves. The stress of it all can lead to periods of moodiness for your teens, which doesn’t make your role as a parent any easier, especially if they say they don’t have time or want to hang out.
However, it is important to understand that while teens are starting to grow up and attain their own sense of identity or autonomy, they are still children and may not always know what is best for them. If you do not spend time with them now, they will eventually become adults and wonder why they didn’t spend more time with you when they had the chance.
To prevent this from happening, figure out your teens’ hobbies and interests, for starters, and try to bond over them. Schedule that fishing or camping trip, bicycle ride, or visit to Cooperstown. The more you ask and present opportunities, the more likely your teens will take you up on your offer one day.
2. Be an everyday parent, even if you don’t see your teens every day.
One clear way to establish a stronger bond with your teens is to be involved in their everyday lives. This is possible, even if you live far away. Become more involved in their lives by calling them or FaceTiming regularly to hear about their day and be available to answer any questions or chat about problems they may be facing in their own lives.
Additionally, make more of an effort with your ex when it comes to decisions that concern your teens, even if you are not there physically. For example, consider how your teens want to spend the summer or holiday break and work with your co-parent to honor your teens’ wishes. They need to know you take an interest in them and still care.
3. Make your teens feel comfortable once you leave the marital home.
One common complaint teens have about staying at their dad’s house or apartment rather than their mother’s home (often the primary residence) is that they feel like they are not home.
Saying your home is your teens’ home is not enough; you need to show them through actions. That can include letting your teens decorate their bedroom as they want or giving them some say over the groceries you buy.
Listen to your teens’ requests and watch their body language. It typically isn’t hard to tell when someone is uncomfortable.
4. Establish clear rules for your teens.
When you only get to see your teens occasionally, you understandably would not want to do anything to ruin the little bit of time you get together. But be careful about making the common mistake of being the “Disneyland Dad,” who is all fun with no rules.
Your teens might be smiling and appear to be having a good time when they see you, but this parenting style can be detrimental in the long run because it undermines their mother’s parenting and rules. Also, in the short run, the lack of structure or responsibility for your teens when you are together can cause them to have to play catch up with homework and studies when they leave, causing unnecessary anxiety.
Though it may not sound fun to be serious with your teens during parenting time, they will actually thank you for it, even if they don’t verbalize it. A stable environment, one in which teens know what is expected of them, creates calmness, helping your household as well as your ex’s.
5. Be consistent.
If you expect to have a strong relationship with your teens, you must be someone they can depend on. You need to be there — if not physically, then emotionally.
Your teens need to understand your word carries weight; if you say you will be available to visit them for the weekend or see them play a sport after school, be there. If you say you are going to call, then call.
You don’t want your teens to worry about whether you will be there for them and, more importantly, what it means if you are not.
6. Don’t speak badly about your teens’ other parent.
After a divorce, it might be tempting to talk badly about your teens’ other parent, especially if you believe your ex is in the wrong in a given conflict.
However, you can alienate your teens in the process, not only against their other parent but also against you. No child wants to feel they are at the center of a tug-of-war between their parents.
Your teens do not need to be continually reminded of your divorce, let alone its bitterness. Instead, set an example for your teens as the parent who rises above petty conflict.
7. Introduce new romantic partners only after you are sure they will be in your teens’ lives for a while.
As you begin to date again after a divorce and then meet someone new and exciting, you may want to share that excitement with your teens. However, it is necessary to understand that your teens may not share your enthusiasm. Maybe your teens still hope for a reconciliation between you and your ex or sees your new romantic partner as someone to compete with for your time and affection.
On the flip side, another possibility is that your teens will absolutely adore your new romantic partner. However, if you end up breaking up with this person soon after introducing them and then proceed to do this again and again with each new person you meet, you may leave your teens feeling disillusioned and create fear in them about forming relationships with your new romantic partners and, perhaps, with other people they meet.
Consider, instead, waiting until you are confident a love interest will be in your life for a while before introducing them. Though there is never a guarantee that a romance will last, you will have a better idea about the probability of longevity once you establish yourself in a relationship.
8. Practice forgiveness with your teens.
If your teens mouth off or you lose your temper, forgive them and yourself, then move on from it. Don’t ruminate about what you can’t change. You need to keep your relationship moving forward.
Taking this step and demonstrating to your teens that you can work on your issues and everyone is worthy of forgiveness will demonstrate to them that everyone makes mistakes and that you and your relationships don’t need to be perfect.
9. Don’t give up even if your teens are resistant at first.
Divorcing their mother, moving out of the house, and picking up the pieces to rebuild your life as a divorced dad can leave teens feeling angry, upset, and insecure, all of which can manifest in various ways.
At first, your teens may blame you for everything and resent you for it, which can take time to undo. Your teens may also resist your attempts to reconcile with them initially.
However, they will also want to know you won’t give up on them. As a supportive, interested dad, you won’t.
Find an Alabama family law attorney.
No one ever said parenting teens would be easy, and it can be less easy as a divorced dad. But there are ways to make it less challenging, and a family law attorney can provide guidance about how even post-divorce.
At Summit Family Law, our team of empathetic family law attorneys is here to support our clients long after the dust settles. Whether you have a family law issue or need a referral or resource regarding how to parent or co-parent after divorce, we are here to help. With have offices located in Huntsville and Birmingham to serve you. Call us today or schedule a consultation.
